Long before I was a professional speaker, writer, or coach on the topic of relationships, I held myself to a very high standard in all of my personal interactions with others.
However, this does not imply that I am
without flaw. Though I fail to live up to it more often than I'd like to admit,
I do have a set of principles I try to live by. A set of rules that includes
both acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
No matter how awful your day, your
attitude, or how much outside stress you're under, a decent man will never do
something that goes against his very essence and identity.
Hmm, let's see what we can find out.
You can count on him to never treat
you like you don't have any worth.
One of life's greatest privileges is
to be asked to enter into a committed relationship with another person. You've
got a free and responsible person who is picking you out of all the other
billions of people in the world to spend the rest of their lives with.
Now picture yourself taking that
privilege for granted and acting in ways that would cause the recipient to feel
unloved, unappreciated, and undesired in the relationship.
No decent man would ever consider
treating you any less than his top priority, and if you ever feel as though he
has become distracted, overwhelmed, or distant without meaning to, he will
quickly and effectively rectify the situation by pulling you close and assuring
you that you are, indeed, his top priority.
He will never try to mess with your
head or heart, which brings us to point number two.
We've all been in situations where
we've doubted the sincerity of another person's words or conduct. Seeing how
they act in opposition to what they preach...
It might be an honest mistake or lack
of interest on their part, but it could also be an act of manipulation to make
you feel inferior or compelled to "win someone over."
No of the impetus, good guys go into
partnerships with their heads on straight and their hearts in the right place.
They are trustworthy and honest people who would never intentionally hurt you.
Thirdly, he'll always be completely
transparent with you.
Over the years, I have heard it all
from my clients, from those who secretly text their coworkers to those who
lived completely separate lives and had no idea their families were related.
Good men never keep secrets from their
wives, girlfriends, or other significant others, no matter how little or large
the matter may be.
Let me be clear: I think everyone has
the right to their own privacy, and I acknowledge that some individuals may
feel awkward discussing their concerns, prior experiences, or inner
pain/desire/whatever with others.
This is a point concerning dishonest
behavior, which a good guy would never engage in on purpose.
To number four, he will never ask you
to "sell yourself."
You should consider whether or not the
man you're seeing treats you with respect and cares about you as a person.
That's because of your wit, your desire, and your will... Do you ever feel like
you have to "prove yourself" to him? To "demonstrate" your
"deservingness" of his affection, time, or consideration?
The foundation of any strong
relationship is two individuals who consistently affirm one other's worth.
You should never have to work for
someone's affection, since that kind of love isn't genuine.
***I'm not saying you shouldn't try to
make things work between you; after all, it takes work on both sides to
maintain a healthy relationship. However, there's a big difference between
trying to make things work because you care about the other person and trying
to make things work because you've been given an ultimatum.
He will never give you bad advice,
number 5.
If a guy has lofty aspirations for his
future, he would do well to choose a life mate who is just as ambitious.
When two like-minded individuals work
together, they may accomplish great things.
That's why it seems futile and
illogical to attempt and talk down your partner's skills and aspirations.
An admiring man will cheer for you
relentlessly. Your backbone, if you will. Your number one cheerleader, just as
he is for you. He understands that with cooperation, there is no task that
can't be completed.
Point number six: He will never make a
comment on how you look.
Because a man who criticizes your
looks understands it will have a deeper influence on your self-image and
confidence, this is a huge one. This isn't because your appearance is the most
essential thing (we all know that it isn't).
If you've ever sought his advice on an
article of clothing, a set of eyeglasses, or the fit of a new pair of jeans,
you know what I'm talking about.
That's not the same discourse as
someone who wants to play on your anxieties; in fact, it's frequently an
indication of emotional abuse designed to make you feel like you don't deserve
better so you won't leave him.
(You do).
He is faithful and honest and will
never cheat on you.
Non-negotiable.
Of course, James, mistakes are made by
human beings.
Please hear me out: dishonesty is
seldom a fluke. There has to be a buildup of circumstances before the actual
cheating may take place.
Any serious relationship takes time
spent getting to know one another on a personal level. Repeated hookups and
sexual encounters. Multiple falsehoods designed to conceal the illegal
behavior.
To have a "one time thing,"
two people need to make eye contact across a bar, have a drink together, engage
in some light flirting and personal talk, and maybe even end up in each other's
hotel rooms.
There is no one action that
constitutes "just cheating;" rather, it involves either premeditation
or a total lack of care for you and your relationship.
It's never an accident, and it's never
okay in the eyes of decent men.
He won't ever violate your confidence,
which brings us to point number eight.
The foundation of any healthy
relationship is trust. Trust is something that must be acquired and nurtured;
it is a delicate but indispensable ingredient without which the whole
enterprise might crumble.
A trustworthy man would avoid putting
himself in a position where he can violate your confidence. A clash of ideals
or a betrayal of your trust in him need not always include cheating (see item
#7).
Trust is not something to be trifled
with or treated lightly since it takes time to rebuild once it has been
damaged.
Number Nine: He will never dismiss
your emotions.
Men that care about you as a person
know that what you're feeling is real and authentic. If he can't completely
relate to or understand how you feel, that's okay; everyone has their own
unique experiences, upbringing, and viewpoints.
The fact that he cares about your
feelings and takes them seriously will make him listen carefully and reply
thoughtfully.
For him, the best method to sow doubt
in you is to downplay your emotions or get you to question your intuition.
Don't let someone else's doubts make you doubt your own.
Ten. He will never treat you badly.
A decent guy would never abuse the
woman he loves in any manner, whether it be mental, emotional, physical,
financial, or any other kind of abuse.
True love never resorts to cruelty.
True friends never treat others badly.
It is a hard and fast rule.
The role of a decent guy in a
relationship is to ensure that his partner always feels secure. To keep you
safe. to keep an eye out for you. To walk with you as a reliable companion
through life.
A guy should cut you out of his life
permanently the moment he exploits his power to damage you in any way, whether
physical or emotional.
Absolutely no one is an exception. You
should always aim for the highest possible quality of life, since you deserve
nothing less.
If a man treats you badly, he doesn't
deserve you. Plenty of decent guys out there can and will shower you with all
the affection and care you deserve. Don't let someone who takes you for granted
ruin that chance for you.
Unlocking Love author and life coach
James Michael Sama is a sought-after public speaker across the world.
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