The experience of others is a valuable resource.
Though Rachel and I have only been
married a month, I have spent decades learning from others who have devoted
their lives to marriage, largely within my own family.
I don't think a marriage should be
treated like a game or treated like something delicate to be abandoned at the
first indication of trouble.
A lifetime commitment is precisely
that, but we all know that it takes work, effort, compromise, respect, and love
to make it work.
In any case, why do some couples
manage to "make it" while others don't? While there is no one cause
for success, I have found that the following 10 strategies provide their
implementers the greatest odds of achievement.
Their friendship is the number one
reason.
The greatest and healthiest
relationships are founded on a foundation of friendship, yet there is such a
thing as the feared "friend zone."
Layers of closeness and friendship are
necessary for forming a link that lasts for decades. While intimacy is the
spark that lights the fire, friendship is the glue that keeps everything
together.
The fact is that life is long, and
that means you and your partner will have to work through difficulties that
can't be solved by physical proximity alone.
Friendship, the enjoyment of one
another's company without romantic attachment, will be the glue that holds you
together through the ups and downs of parenthood and beyond.
It's a shared household in which they
all participate equally.
You may remember the tale of how
Rachel and I met during the pandemic lockdown and talked for months through
video chat before we finally met in person, and I really feel that the fact
that we didn't hold back during our chats was a major contributor to our strong
connection.
Both of us had reached points in our
life where we had little interest in frivolous activities like playing games or
having a one-night stand, much less doing so during a pandemic.
We wanted to find out everything there
was to know about each other before deciding to "give it a go," so
that we could be confident we were both on the same page and seeking the same
things.
It's reasonable to say the stars
aligned now that we've been married for over three years.
Most individuals, you see, lack the
time to pause and take the effort to get to know someone thoroughly. They're
drawn to one other for some reason, perhaps because of shared interests or an
activity they like, but that doesn't guarantee they're a good fit for a
committed relationship.
We learned to take our time and have
more in-depth conversations as a result of the epidemic, and we continue to do
so often. That's how we got started, so that's how we've kept going.
In short, they do not solve the problem.
“James…what?”
I'll try to explain:
Many married pairs, when confronted
with difficulties, allow the tension between them grow or rekindle past fights.
They let their feelings get the better
of them and fail to address the underlying problem.
As a unit, strong and healthy
marriages tackle problems when they arise. The challenge is not each other, but
the opponent.
It's not "you and me against each
other because of the difficulty," but rather "you and me against the
task."
That's why they're number four on the
list: they keep the fire burning.
Friendliness is crucial as a
cornerstone of every relationship (see point #1), but let's be honest: regular,
healthy romantic encounters are also essential.
When it comes to intimacy, every
couple has their own unique ideas and preferences. As long as two adults are
acting on their own volition and finding satisfaction in the activities they
are partaking in, there is no "wrong" choice.
Perhaps it's as simple as signing up
for a knitting class together.
Basically, whatever gets your motor
running.
Only the requirement of continued
upkeep is truly universal. If you ignore the smoldering embers for too long,
they will go out completely.
Intimacy and romance are like flames;
they need constant tending or they would go out.
They've made the decision to forgive,
which is point number five.
Picture this: you've decided to spend
the rest of your life with someone, but the cumulative effects of all the times
you (or they) have messed up weigh on the relationship until it's no longer
enjoyable.
Eventually, the burden would be too
much for you two to bear, let alone bearable.
The fact is that you, too, are human
and prone to error.
and you need to forgive them before
you can move on (within reason).
Let's be clear: not all transgressions
can be overlooked. There should never be any tolerance for abuse (of any kind),
infidelity, or treachery. It's important to remember that a marriage is not a free
pass on the rest of your life, and that there are bounds to everything.
Sixth, they are appreciative of one
another and regularly show it.
Gratitude for the other person's
choice is essential in any relationship. They need to recognize the gravity of
this commitment and never take it for granted.
Having someone select you for a
committed partnership is one of the finest forms of recognition possible.
You're the one they want to spend the rest of their lives with, and they could
have their pick of anyone. This is really significant, and we must not discount
its significance.
Another aspect of this is expressing
your appreciation to your mate. They equate a lack of emotion with an absence
of reality.
Seven: They push one another to
improve.
Before we met, Rachel and I were quite
different individuals. Because she brought in two kids when I had absolutely
little experience with kids, I've been propelled along a journey of
self-discovery and expansion into realms I never knew existed. As a spouse,
business owner, and human being in addition to a bonus dad.
Together, we've developed into a
stable family unit. We're living in the home of our dreams, driving the
vehicles of our dreams, and doing the trips of a lifetime.
But making money isn't the point; that
takes time and effort. For us to reach our shared goals, we must each develop
into the person who can do so.
It would be unhealthy for our
relationship if one of us tried to hold the other back, compete with them, or
otherwise discourage their interests and goals.
Even worse, it would impede our
progress toward the life we both want.
If we want our spouse to continue
selecting us every day, we need to give them room to develop and trust that
they will.
In number eight, they are able to
maintain their identity.
A client of mine used to invest so
much time and energy into his relationships that he neglected his own hobbies
and interests.
To impress the girl he liked, he'd do
anything she asked, refrain from voicing his own thoughts if doing so may cause
friction, and generally lose himself in the prospect of a romantic
relationship.
...till the day came that it would
have to cease.
Why? For the simple reason that two
unique people with their own perspectives, values, and goals are required for
any meaningful partnership to exist. It's impossible for one to fully absorb
the other; doing so would lead to boredom and confusion.
If all you do is agree with the other
person and say what they want to hear, how can they ever know who you are or
what you stand for?
You, as much as them, will benefit
from learning more about one another.
When you know who you are and why
you're here, you can bring that certainty to the table and work effectively as
a member of a team.
One thing unites all championship
teams throughout sports:
They assemble a group of top
professionals in a given field, and the resulting synergy is remarkable.
The same holds true for romantic
partnerships: when both partners are able to let their individuality and
authenticity emerge, there is no way for either to come out on top.
9. They cooperate well as a unit.
Let's go into that final point a bit
more...
I like to think of my significant
other and myself as a team, thus I use the term "teammate" when
describing us.
Together, we are a family, a team, and
a community, doing everything from parenting to housework to career advancement
to community service in order to create a life that is rich in love, peace, and
happiness for our children and ourselves.
When one party to a relationship does
to fulfill their obligations or does actions that might have a negative impact
on the outcomes, the entire connection is weakened.
The comparison to a sports team is
apt. Everything a quarterback does to throw the ball is for naught if no one
catches it.
You may ignore the question of whose
talents and abilities are whose and focus instead on how to best utilize your
own to come out on top.
They make the same daily decision to
be with each other.
When you wake up in a relationship,
you have a new opportunity to decide how you want to proceed with it.
In other words, you have the option of
continuing your relationship with this individual or not.
Not every situation is so simple. Life
is complicated and complex; I'm not suggesting you can just pick up and leave
everything behind, including children, homes, dogs, shared assets, and a joint
company. However, there are exceptions.
In some cases, a considerably more
involved strategy is necessary; in fact, it may even be required by law.
The healthiest and longest-lasting
partnerships never consider this option.
You automatically become their friend,
and they instantly become yours.
When I made the decision to marry
Rachel, I committed to her for the rest of my life. As much as she is my
person, I am also hers. That is an active decision that I reaffirm each morning
when I open my eyes.
As committed partners, we need to view
each other through the prism of the long haul. To fully grasp and internalize
the promises we have made to one another, and to conduct our daily lives
accordingly.
That is a lot of labor, and you're
right to assume as much. To put it bluntly, this is why so many marriages fail;
ultimately, one or both partners lose up.
Making something lovely and lasting
out of our time together.
Nothing can stand in the way of a pledge
like that, especially when both partners are committed to keeping it every day.
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